During my adolescent years, my mother was a little vague when we had “the talk,” often deferring to my older brother who cracked open his high school biology book and explained things scientifically. But she was very clear about one thing, words of wisdom she shared over and over during my youth: “You have one thing that’s only yours. Don’t give it away until you are really ready, both physically and emotionally…because you can never get it back.”
I got it. I REALLY got it. I remember hearing it so many times that it’s probably number one on my list of “Things My Mother Said When I Was Growing Up” along with “You only need one really true and loyal friend throughout your life” and “Miss Congeniality is a better honor than Miss America.” Oh, she said other things, too, like “Always have on clean underwear in case you’re in an accident” and “Always have a dime for the phone” (young people don’t get this one but she still says it to this day).
But it’s the words she shared when we had “the talk” that I’m reminded of almost daily when I read social media posts written by former students of mine – specifically, former female students.
I love them. I do. They are smart and funny and many of them – if fact almost every former student I’m connected with on social media from one of my previous schools – is a single parent or currently pregnant, some with a sibling on the way to go along with the small child they already have. To be clear, I’ve never “followed” a current student, or even a former student who is still in middle or high school – but I do agree to connect with them after they have graduated and are out on their own. So as it turns out I follow several young ladies on Facebook, and as such, I enjoy watching their babies grow, and I’m able to see how these students have turned out and what kind of mothers they have become.
What I would like to tell them now is related to the words my mother told me:
Hi Ladies,
Wow. I miss you guys. When I think back on the times we had, I laugh so hard at some of your antics. You all had so much personality – you would go from goofball to tears in point two seconds, hormonal roller coaster riding during your middle school years. And now, I read with interest your dilemmas – with your babies and your babies’ fathers – as your very lives play out for the world on Facebook.
So I mentioned that my mother told me that we only have “one thing” that is ours…that one thing we should hold on to. Well, these days I’d say you have more than just that “one thing.” You also have something else – also important and also precious enough to hold on to tightly. You know what it is?
It’s what I like to call EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD. Please remember that everyone on your Facebook page doesn’t need to know every single thing about you, your relationships, your very life. Be careful what you say about yourself to over 500 people who read your posts. Think about that new guy who’s in the picture, early in a relationship with you. He may decide it’s not in his best interest to hang around after you’ve called him out for showing up late, not calling often enough, not having a job, etc. Also, complaining about the partners you’ve chosen is a reflection on YOU; if you’re constantly complaining about the people you’re with…what does that say about you and your decisions?
The same goes for your comments about your girlfriends and family members. Social media is a place to stay connected, not a place to criticize people who disappoint you. And it’s certainly not a place to argue back and forth. Work out your problems in private (and hopefully in person) with the significant people in your life.
And most important – considering the number of posts I see on this subject – please refrain from attacking your child’s father on social media. Try to remember that this person is the father of your child, regardless of his behavior, lack of attention to your baby, or lack of financial support. Depicting him in a negative way is a reflection on your choice to be with him in the first place and, most importantly, a direct connection to your adorable baby.
I’m so proud of some of you. You post baby pictures and refrain from telling the world “your business.” Your page is not sprinkled with negativity; instead, you present yourself as a mature, independent woman who is working hard to make a good life for your child. We can all learn from your courage and commitment. You’re doing something alone that is difficult but rewarding, and you represent yourself that way.
Enjoy this time with your baby. It won’t be long before you’ll be having “the talk” yourself. And whatever you choose to say will stay with your children for a long, long time. Take it from me…I know…